Dating a schizoid woman
Dating a schizoid woman
Schizoidness is like an enduring apathy, a perennial tepidness.I’m probably what you’d call a somewhat, self-limited, or high functioning schizoid.
Salman Akhtar’s phenomenological profile outlines me so well that I have a very hard time differentiating myself from my supposed disorder; where do I begin, where does it end, I don’t know.The main factors for me are that (1) though I’m an emotional hyper-reflective being my emotions can either be labelled as diluted or too in-check, that (2) I derive no overwhelming special feeling from praise or condemnation or from being part of anything- be it family, group, social class, that (3) I work and feel better alone, that (4) I almost always have a different perspective on things, and that (5) as Laing put it though I am fully aware I am myself, relating myself to myself happens as a secondary process.When you feel anger I presume you show anger, I on the other hand, at this point, just internally remark to myself “I should probably be angry.” The only situations that incite anger are when I make a fool of myself, when someone’s trying to pull some wool over my eyes, or when someone breaks a contract of sorts (be it verbal, logical, or legal) with me; and even in these cases my usual reaction is to just count the broken contract as lost and to either never contract again in the future or to contract foreknowing that the contract will be broken.This is basics in business and politics, but less so when it comes to family and friends.Example: if you, as a friend, say you need to borrow money from me and that you’ll pay it back at a certain date I’ll fully believe that you intend to keep your word, but if said date rolls around and you still haven’t payed me back I don’t feel any anger, and after giving you due notice of your late repayment, I don’t ever ask or pester for said money back unless it’s an extremely large sum and/or detrimental to my livelihood, I chalk it up as a failure/aspect of your character that I should be wary of in the future.And if you ever approach me for another loan I feel no tugging at the heartstrings in bluntly saying no even if it puts you in a life threatening situation, be you friend or close family.
And on the rare occasions that I reenter into a second contract when you’ve broken the first, it’s not that I feel emotionally swayed, but because logically my relation to you overwhelmingly predetermines that I should.I’ve realized that my ability to be lenient when wronged and to withstand condemnation without fuss impresses that I’m a push over, but so be it, it’s better than the alternative of egging on an oppressor who revels in their oppression or of losing a friend or lover to confessions of not feeling all that directly affected by anything they’ve said or done.I inhabit a world where only I have direct emotional control of myself with the default state being one of emotionlessness (better put, affectlessness).If you punch me you don’t make me angry- I’ll become angry if in the context I have no logical positive other than to be angry, if you do something to make me happy you won’t make me happy- I’ll become happy if in the context I have no logical positive other than to be happy.The only feelings that I experience somewhat firsthand are genuine surprise and genuine fear, as in not the fear of failing to obtain an abstract concept like ‘rich / not poor’ but of being mauled by a tiger running straight at me (this, for survival’s sake, makes complete sense).(I’m drawn to great improv humour for its inherent quality of surprise.) I have to forcibly be part of the group and upkeep relationships, they’re not my natural inclinations.