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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Executives at Google, the rapidly growing online-search company that promises to "organize the world's information," announced Monday the latest step in their expansion effort: a far-reaching plan to destroy all the information it is unable to index.BOZEMAN, MT— The few people close to Mitch Delomme say that he doesn't realize the implications of his new podcast, an agonizingly personal 40-minute digitally recorded capsule of news, information, and trivia about the chronically lonely pizza-delivery man.

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Delomme's podcast is currently available on all major subscription links, where it has attracted no attention.

ANN ARBOR, MI—After calling the device "the item single-handedly responsible for the erosion of our nation's social and cultural foundation" for close to a decade, Jason Whiting gave in to social pressures this weekend and bought a cell phone.

VENTURA, CA—A third-generation, 30-GB i Pod, serial number AP356372, died early Monday morning at age 2.

"I'll never forget all the great music it used to play during my workouts," said the late i Pod's owner Sarah Zartman at a brief memorial held over the junk drawer.

"It was convenient, portable, and really pricey—almost 0." Zartman said that, had she known the i Pod's lithium-ion battery would have such a short lifespan, she might have spent more time listening to it. OLYMPIA, WA—Recent Gmail convert William Ramsak, 23, said Monday that his "heart goes out to" friend Kelly Oldenburg, who still sends e-mail through an MSN Hotmail account.

"I feel so bad for you, needing to squeeze into 250 MB of storage space," Ramsak wrote to Oldenburg in an e-mail.

"And I hate thinking of you sorting all your old e-mail, while Gmail automatically indexes mine so they are searchable." Ramsak then asked Oldenburg when he was going to "stop being a Microstooge and join Team G." THOUSAND OAKS, CA— Internet user Paula Challey was insulted by the simplicity of a quiz that popped up on her computer desktop Monday. If these quizzes are this easy, I don't see the point in them." Challey then moved to the more formidable task of using her mouse to shoot an animated duck for the chance to win 0."I mean, come on—it offers me a prize if I can identify whether a picture is of Britney Spears, Madonna, or Paris Hilton," Challey said. JACKSONVILLE, FL— The unrequited nature of area nerd June Manzo's crush on actor Peter Tuddenham, who provides the voice of piloting computer Slave on Blake's 7, is only slightly more agonizing than the process of explanation she must put herself through every time her media obsession is discussed. " Manzo's crush is surpassed in geekiness and obscurity only by that of Denver's Demitri Ostrow, who has a long-harbored passion for author Neil Gaiman's "fabulous" assistant Lorraine."He has this slightly sinister but dynamic way of speaking on the show, particularly in the 'Headhunter' episode," Manzo said, painstakingly describing Tuddenham to fellow science-fiction fan Bradley Preakniss. APALACHICOLA, FL— Catherine Polk, 24, died at a local Starbucks Monday afternoon, due to complications resulting from the tragic loss of her cell phone. "Jesus Christ, I could've typed it in a hundredth of the time." After another minute of yelling, Watson was further incensed upon looking at her screen, which read, "Barely Freedman you God ram plucking pizza ship." I'm sure you've seen a lot of tech-savvy people smugly showing off that new hunk of entertainment hardware, the i Pod personal stereo."When I hear his voice congratulating Avon on his 'consummate skill,' I just get shivers... "It was horrible— Cathy didn't have any of her numbers written down anywhere else, and she was waiting on a call about last-minute tickets for a concert," said best friend Melissa Barreth, who was with Polk when she first discovered that her Cingular V400 quad band/GSM cell phone was not in her purse. Well, I might not have the scratch to get one, but frankly, I don't want the white-corded wonder. To the people at Sexxxotika.com, let me begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoy your pornographic web site."We tried everything to find it, but in the end, there was nothing we could do." The coroner's report confirmed that Polk died of a sudden lack of wireless service. I have been a paying member since September, and since then have reveled in the graphic images of female nudity and hardcore sex. I've heard the stereotypes about Java programmers being uptight nerds who don't know how to cut loose.NEW YORK—Fidelity Financial Services' Gwen Watson, 33, shouted angrily at her IBM Via Voice Pro USB voice-recognition software, sources close to the human-resources administrator reported Monday. Well, that's about as far from the truth as Enterprise is from Gene Roddenberry's original vision.

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